Separated at Birth: The Bowlegged Bitch’s California Counterpart

The idea of Nancy D’Alessandro Pelosi was ill conceived from the start. In a city most known for crab cakes and The Wire, this Italian-American was born into a family of Baltimore politics and delicious meatballs. (ugggh yuck, the former……..I know). The question that burns deep in my loins, one that every citizen journalist shies away from is this: did Nancy in fact look like a brown haired Hilary Clinton (Bow Legged Bitch is also acceptable) from the time of her conception? No matter, this socialist in training (P.h.d. candidate) got her unceremonious start in politics by working for Pappa D’Alessandro, or in the old country, Pappa D. It just happens to be that Daddy was a U.S. Congressman and the mayor of a city that makes Hiroshima circa 1945 look nice. Like any Catholic girl, Nancy started late (intellectually, disregard Billy Joel’s more sexual innuendo) at Norte Dame High School. After surely reducing her dignity to nothing in Catholic school, Pelosi attended the academic powerhouse Trinity College (wow, she did pretty, pretty……pretty good considering her amazing political connections, right?). If not for this epic collegiate experience, Pelosi surely would not have met Pablo (Paul) Pelosi. The two wedded amidst the crowds of the Hippie Riots (actually I can’t back that up) and subsequently moved to Gay Land (I’ll put flowers in your hair in this city). From there it was 25 years of watching Opera, Martha, and the View (well it would have been if she lived in our age of cultural enlightenment). In other words, the P show was a desperate house wife for a quarter century (she did once bear a striking resemblance to Terri Hatcher). If there were ever qualifications for congressional representative, those would surely be it, wouldn’t you say? Only in America, land of the free…..home of the dumb.

Anyhow, ole’ Nancy hit it big politically in large part due to her husband’s brother, or in common speak: brother-in-law. This particular Pelosi just so happened to be a member of the San Francisco City Council and Nancy milked this connection as if it were the last utter on Earth. This disturbing imagery aside, N.P. was asked to run for U.S. Congress following a slew of deaths and illnesses that begged the question: Did the Congressional buildings have a polonium exchange with a young Vladimir Putin? I sure hope so. After a year of serving America’s finest (most liberal), Nancy was elected for a full term in the same year the bumbling Greek succumbed to a “Thousand Points of Light.” As a Congress woman who had already been elected once, well you know the rest……….let’s just say it was obvious she was going to be in power longer that the Fuhrer. In the House, P show served on both the un-intelligence and misappropriations committees. She even became the ranking Donkey on the former for two years.

In the same year the Crawford Cowboy embarked on his eight years of catastrophic decision making, Nancy was made House Minority Whip (probably would have been better off with an actual whip to beat those old Elephants). My sources tell me that Mrs. P was the first woman to ever reach that position. Sorry ladies, but if that’s your best shot, then I think there should be a permanent ban on estrogen in the Minority Whip’s office. Pelosi and the rest of the Free World voted for the Unborn Victims of Violence Act in 2K1. Additionally, Nance has repeatedly voted “ay” for federal funded baby extermination (abortion) facilities. Agriculturally speaking, Pelosi Dosi reverted to her Democratic ways; i.e. she can’t decide weather to support investment programs or not. No matter one’s party, one must at least admire her convictions and the passion in which she defends her position…..ha. Regarding Uncle Sam’s bloated budget, she has some really creative ideas. Nancy and her fellow Californian compatriots gathered the brain trust and decided to propose a tax increase for middle and upper class Americans. Bravo, I must commend you for your authentic ideas and better still, your economic ineptitude. I truly appreciate your Noam Chomsky-esque sympathy for the bottom 5% wage earners, really I do. Unfortunately, if you formulate policies for these 5% at the expense of everyone else, well that leaves 95% of Americans who are for lack of a better word, screwed. By voting against the Estate Tax repeatedly, she showed Americans that she had a thang for taxing the dead: come on Nance, they’re dead, what did they ever do to you besides spook you on Friday the 13th? P bombs barely had the good sense to veto the balanced budget act that came before the House under the rule of King William Jefferson.

Nancy P is clearly a civil liberties enthusiast, i.e. she gives people the right to annaly penetrate someone in a Radio Shack. All jokes aside, this broad supports the First Amendment like Michael Richards supports lynching: (that’s right I went there, and it was so, so worth it). What about separation of child molesting bishops (church) and George “Devil Incarnate” Bush (state) you might ask, well P show has you covered there as well. If it’s individuals who uphold the 14^th Amendment that gets you off at night (better than a cheap Jenna J film for some), than Nancy is your gal. As for the Congresswomen’s take on education, she doesn’t believe in people being left behind, and gosh darn it, that means children. Maybe she didn’t initiate the massive increases in education expenditures, but she sure nurtured the beast first bred by GW the lesser. Regarding Mother Earth (what, dads aren’t equally apt at being environmental stewards?), Nancealicious has called for Uncle Sam to reduce his fossil fuel burning and dependence on foreign oil. Needless to say, she was one of the naysayers on drilling in the Anoit. Great foresight Nancy; now what exactly do we do until we develop a viable, long-term alternative energy infrastructure. Wait, instead of drilling in Alaska and killing some delicious caribou (they go well in a nice lingenberry sauce I must say), she suggests that we suck up to some Saudi emir and Vladimir the Terrible Part Deux. I think I’ll take my chances with Rudolph’s cousins in the Anoit.

From domestic debacles to grandiose foreign policy blunders; that my friends, sums up Nancy D’Alessandro Pelosi. Nowhere do her policies reek of idiocy quite like those pertaining to Continent Ground Zero. In no small surprise, Nancy has consistently supported the Hunger to Harvest bill and called for massive amounts of foreign aid to pour into Africa, once again proving the corollary that unqualified individuals in positions of power only hurt themselves…………..and Africans. As any international economics course will teach, (oh wait………Trinity College only offered basket weaving that semester), ungodly amounts of foreign aid only further stuff the already bloated coiffeurs of some of Africa’s most brutal regimes. They most certainly don’t know how to allocate this aid, especially seeing that America isn’t willing to actually invest human capital on the ground to see its implementation. Like any good liberal however, Nancy has proved quite skillful at throwing money at problems while at the same time not actually accomplishing anything (what can I say, she’s got game…….political game). More of Pelosi’s brilliant foresight was on display when she refused to give China normal trade relations with the U.S. following the Tiananmen. Boy, talk about missing the speedboat on that one; no worries Nancy, you were still new to the whole public service thing, we’ll forgive you. On the matter of our favorite Jewish state (actually, I do believe it is the only one), Nancy P has shown an unflappable commitment to defend our democratic compadres at any and all costs. Wow, talk about a nuanced view on the situation; you know, I’ve never heard that take before, well done. With such a thorough understanding of this historical conflict, Americans should be elated that she hasn’t proposed to engage the Palestinians in the least, right? Her view on the Israeli situation simply illuminates the fact that she has never taken a Middle Eastern history course, nor picked up a liberal rag in the past decade. Now I’m not saying we should dole out a-bombs to Palestine, Syria, and Iran, but the balance of power has to shift away from this police state of 10 million, doesn’t it? Demographically, it’s time to hop on board the one-way Arab express train to Paradise (minus the annihilated Israel, plus those voluptuous virgins).

Perhaps Pelosi’s stroke of brilliance can be seen in her policy toward the land of the Johnny Walker loving dictator (if you’re not up to date on which dictator enjoys which type of American scotch, I can confidently tell you its North Korea). No one who routinely masturbates to Japanese anime porn should have at his disposal an arsenal of nuclear-tipped warheads; it’s all in a U.N. resolution somewhere. Unrelated, wouldn’t it be groovy if GW sent Pelosi to represent us at the six party talks. Nancy and Kim Jung-Il would have about as much in common as Donald Rumsfeld and uptight assholes (oh snap, I meant the exact opposite). Anyway, I would pay to see that over any Paul Haggis movie you could put in front of me, that’s for damn sure (Crash be damned).

Just when you thought Nancy supported your constitutional rights, think again all you second amendment fans out there (cue loud groan: South and Midwest). If Nancy had it her way (thanks Burger King……..geez, shouldn’t you be reducing your artificial trans fat content in NYC or something), rednecks everywhere would have no way to resolve their disputes. Oh gosh, they might actually have to talk out their disputes. Heaven no; well this is simply not ok. Little does Nancy know that this single action would ruin the livelihoods of thousands of stand up comics. See Nancy, you need to see the big picture (with the help of an LCD TV from Taiwan perhaps). With respect to Medicare and Medicaid, P show has called for a substantial rise in benefits. That’s interesting, didn’t you want to lift the U.S. from its budget deficit…..that’s all. An ardent supporter of illegal Mexicans everywhere (mostly in Texas and California), she voted against the Secure Fence Act of 2006 because of fears that her Mexican brothers could scratch themselves while flooding illegally into the U.S. Who knew porous borders were so much fun, apparently Nancy did…..hmmmm. I guess this opinion goes hand in hand with Nancy’s ambitions to raise the minimum wage. With all the illegal immigration though, it doesn’t matter how high you bump the baseline. Sorry Nance, guess you will just have to answer to your poor constituents when they come complaining after they lose their jobs because of illegal Mexicans undercutting them in respect to wage. Pelosi officially joined the Hypocrites Unanonymous after she turned her back on being a Patriot in 2005 (I’m referring to the Act of course). No worries P show, I think you joined the rest of the Donkeys with that one.

And thus completes the long and winding road that brought Nancy Pelosi to the position of Speaker of the House. God help us. Oh wait, he can’t because he already has to watch over Curious George W. Damn it; now were really fucked. Seeing that if I write another word I am liable to projectile vomit on my ThinkPad, I best be wrapping this puppy up (in some Anoit oil drenched seal blubber preferably). Nancy, I strongly implore you to reconsider your life as a house wife, for then you can watch TeleMundo with your real constituents south of the Rio Grande and devise new strategies to bankrupt Uncle Sam.