For almost a century, the Kennedy Clan has been synonymous with murder, controversy, and tragedy (undoubtedly, to a much lesser extent they are associated with politics.) The Patriarch of this grandiose mistake was Joseph Kennedy Sr., a man who made greenbacks the old fashion way, he stole ‘em (but really who could blame him, he was an Irishman in Boston, and that kind of impersonating of a kleptomaniac was to be expected from the cities social elites). Joe-Joe was an investment banker by day and a bootlegger by night. However, his real talent lied in his uncanny ability to control the Irish Mob in Beantown. This made for some long hours because as Tony Soprano can surely inform you, mob bosses don’t sleep, they make money (or off insolent S.O.B.’s depending on their level of insecurity and/or sexual frustration).
The year was 1929. To quote the chairman of the board, it was a very good year, however only for only 2 people, and ironically they both had the name Joe. However, the Joseph in our epic story didn’t get his kicks from sending his “boys” to Siberia because they disagreed with the amount of buttons on his military uniform. Anyway, JK (actually I’m not joking) short sold his entire stock portfolio in 1929 just days before the stock market crash. Undoubtedly, some of his trades caused the markets to recede back to Stone Age levels. However, insider trading was not exactly a faux pas in the age of the Human Vacuum Cleaner, so once again Joe Kennedy evaded arrest, much like he did in regards to the whiskey wheel he so skillfully operated. In a truly bizarre executive decision that made about as much sense as appointing a failed Pennsylvania governor director of the safety for the fruited plain, Kennedy was appointed as the first chairman for the SEC (Stock Extermination Committee, I beg your pardon Securities Exchange Commission). Holla, did America really want an investment banker who made an arm and two legs from insider trading to head up an organization intended to safeguard against this very practice. Unfortunately for most Americans, Joe-Joe only truly cared about the dealings on the other committee that he headed up, the WEC (Weapons Exchange Commission which he so humbly served as the Irish Don throughout his far too fortunate existence).
A year prior to Hitler’s military waltz through Pope Land, FDR appointed Joe Kennedy ambassador to Britain, making him the first Irish Catholic to have been fed within the city of London. (The Irish knew this privilege was long since overdue, however they were all bitter that Kennedy Inc. had the honor before any one else. Upon hearing about the banking leprechaun’s good fortune, the Irish promptly wished for another potato famine so the British could once more deny the Irish food, thereby prohibiting Joe Kennedy from partaking in a meal of any sort.) It is a well documented fact that our boy, Joe-Joe, was quite the progressive racist. Although he did live in the Progressive Era, that’s just not a good philosophy to subscribe to, unless of course you receive the magazine Third Reich Living, a monthly publication that features special columns from such renowned racists as Woodrow Wilson, William Randolph Hearst, and the Duke of Marlborough’s great-great grandson, who shall remain anonymous until illustrious Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon can decode his true identity (my only hint to this mystery man’s identity is that his initials are the same as the German word for toilet.)
Ironically, our Irish wonder boy was a staunch believer in equality; that is he hated everyone equally. In general, he detested anyone who didn’t have Guinness Stout Draft running through his capillaries. I find it a bit puzzling that FDR would appoint someone to such a lofty position of international affairs, when that person’s political hero was a failed Austrian artist. By all accounts, Kennedy’s hero, the failed Picasso, was about as insecure as a 15 year old boy who was too petrified to leave his basement for fear that he might lose his edge in the socially hip game, Dungeons and Dragons. I could envision it now, the walking diplomatic disaster that was Neville Chamberlain appeasing Nazi Germany with Kennedy. In all likelihood, Joe-Joe literally whispered sweet nothings in Chamberlain’s ears pertaining to Hitler’s aggression, “Appease the Wagner loving dictator, just let his plan come to fruition and no one will get hurt……… except Jews, Slavs, and strangely enough Catholics (yeah that means your kind too Joe).” Joe-Joe certainly hit the nail on the head with that one. It was just too bad that he wasn’t living within the domain of Deutschland at the time so that the S.S. could have hit the nail on Joseph Kennedy’s head.
It seems that Joe-Joe’s esteemed son learned from his bearenstein bear father and tried something completely different with regards to his international relations. Not surprisingly, this strategy didn’t work either, probably because he was too busy brushing up for his anatomy exam with Joltin Joe’s prized trophy, but that joke of an existence is for another article.
Maybe there is a God after all, for it seems that Joe Kennedy received his punishments for his wrongdoings in the form of four tragedies that befell his children. JFK and RFK were assassinated (if only a convicted felon had been vice president at the time instead of LBJ), Joe Jr. was blown up while flying during WWII (lucky for Joe Sr., one less son to include in that esteemed will), and Rosemary had her charter for institutionalization at the Kennedy mansion revoked. Following her lobotomy in 1941, she had the good fortune of being institutionalized for the remainder of her existence at the kind of facility where people go bump in the night. Unfortunately for the United States of America, the one son of Joe-Joe’s that had no business escaping the vast realm of tragedy was Edward Kennedy. However, as usually happens with unsavory characters such as himself, he has steered clear of this dark fate. This truth alone has allowed me to disprove the greatest mystery of all. God is dead (Nietzsche doesn’t deserve to be quoted because his raving nationalistic, anti-Semitic sister in all likelihood reconfigured this sentence along with all of his other work, in order to better serve her distorted political agenda.)
Overall, Joe Kennedy was the godfather of Boston, and the father of the Irish Brigade, a family that continues to proudly scar America’s image around the globe to this very day.
Infallibility Gone Wild: Ratzinger Edition
January 9, 2007
The position of God’s indentured servant (pope to those unfortunate enough to call themselves Catholics, and House Negro to those fortunate fans of Harry Belefonte) has for centuries carried a certain distant mystique that enables the individual to rule over 1.1 zombies from the House of the Theologically Dead (aka Vatican) with an iron fist and a funny looking hat. For everyone who has served as God’s administrative assistant over the past two millennia, I say to you, “Rome, we have a problem” (and it’s bigger than any Tom Hanks space movie). The position of pope has its origins with Peter, JC’s right and left hand man. Following the denying disciples death, there was naturally a Hoover power vacuum in the new Church. The men vying for power were weaker than a Victoria Secret model, and this led them to create a position that would force spiritually lesser Catholics (whatever that means) to recognize their supreme rule over the Church. The successors to Peitro agreed that the ideal way to maintain absolute control over the herds of Catholic buffalo was to create an aura of divine interaction with God and a sense of spiritual omniscience/omnipotence. This notion of infallibility was not officially recognized until the First Vatican Council in the 1870s (by council I mean approximately 30 cardinals deciding the theological future for close to a billion humanoids), however this scorching topic has kept Jesus loving, God fearing individuals (isn’t that a contradiction) in constant debate for years.
Whenever the pope addresses Catholics on issues of faith or morals, it is said that he is talking through God with the Holy Spirit (Come on, now I thought only Rancher George had that kind of rapport with the big man upstairs). Essentially, this doctrine states that the pope is Mr. Perfect because regardless of the validity of his statements, they are always seen as correct by the congregation of believers. The pope is clearly a Catholic with privileges to put it mildly. One individual decides which way to turn the sails on the Catholic boat. There was none better at this then the Polish superman Pope John Paul II. Undoubtedly one of the few redeeming values of this pope was his penchant for peace (Popes during the Crusades chose gold, spices, and political clout over the time honored nonviolent teachings of a Nazarean carpenter, but hey, who can blame them, they’re only human, or are they infallible? One never really can discern these minute details. This begs the question whether the popes are talking to the Monkey President’s God or JC’s padre). The Polak Pope’s numerous shortcomings included clerical beliefs that were further to the right than Atilla “I sacked the pope’s palace” the Hun. The position of pope was originally intended to carry on the message of Jesus through one person (notice Jesus never said anything about the good old folks from Planet Venus not leading his Church). JC himself was extremely liberal, a sort of Dennis Kucinich before his time, making it just a bit interesting that the majority of the popes since the Church’s conception have espoused to such conservative doctrines. Could these popes be afraid of losing their vast Guantanamo Bay-esque power base? Is this really the best attitude for individuals who rule an entire Spanish speaking continent through their moral teachings?
A staunch conservative on key issues such as gay marriage, women in the clergy, and marriage in the priesthood, John Paul Part Deux was largely responsible for the tremendous downturn in new members to the priesthood (although this may not be a bad thing, as many diocesan priests have demonstrated their best Michael Jackson impression throughout the past few years). Over the past score, many local parishes have had to close because of dwindling numbers in the clergy. Surprisingly enough however, the number of pedophilia arrests has actually increased over this same time. Golly, isn’t that counterintuitive?
To rectify the low supply of new clergy members, the Catholic Church made probably the worst decision outside of George and Margaret Bush opting to have sex: they selected a man for pope whose core “George” tenets are too far radically right even for Edmund Burke. The new pope chose for his name, Benedict XVI, in honor of the founder of the rigid Benedictine order. Could Ratzinger’s rigidity and obstinacy stem from a hearty brainwashing by the propaganda machine in Deutschland better known as the Hitler Youth? If so, then where did Pope John Paul II obtain his more devilish qualities? Could it possibly have been from the constant presence of either the Paterland or Mother Russia in his often times partitioned homeland?
I am just one of the countless Catholics who are petrified of just what John Ratzinger might do in his time as pontiff. Seeing that he is now completely infallible on matters of faith and morals (hear that Jorge, your cathedral at Crawford is no longer the center of the moral universe), I do believe we will be seeing a return to the place of milk and honey (o wait, I mean bubonic plague and war, how silly of me) that historians refer to as the Dark Ages. Maybe Benedict XVI can reinstitute the Inquisition, or better yet commence another Crusade against Islam. At least he would be making a certain cowboy from Texas extremely happy. Finally, America has found another ally: the preeminent military power that is the independent principality of the Vatican. (Yippee! We now have the strongest military coalition the world has ever seen. Move over Belarus, Estonia, Latvia, and Moldova because the St. Peter’s behemoth is here). Undoubtedly, the pope’s Swiss agents can teach our boys down at Langley a thing or two about reconnaissance (I mean after all, they have the ubiquitous Holy Spirit on their side; who needs James Bond or XXX)? Thank God (preferably the Catholic one) that this idea of infallibility gone wild (Ratzinger edition) has some redeeming social value. To that, we can all say a resolute, nondenominational, Amen. (O wait, no we can’t, we live in America, ain’t it beautiful).
Separated at Birth: The Bowlegged Bitch’s California Counterpart
January 9, 2007
The idea of Nancy D’Alessandro Pelosi was ill conceived from the start. In a city most known for crab cakes and The Wire, this Italian-American was born into a family of Baltimore politics and delicious meatballs. (ugggh yuck, the former……..I know). The question that burns deep in my loins, one that every citizen journalist shies away from is this: did Nancy in fact look like a brown haired Hilary Clinton (Bow Legged Bitch is also acceptable) from the time of her conception? No matter, this socialist in training (P.h.d. candidate) got her unceremonious start in politics by working for Pappa D’Alessandro, or in the old country, Pappa D. It just happens to be that Daddy was a U.S. Congressman and the mayor of a city that makes Hiroshima circa 1945 look nice. Like any Catholic girl, Nancy started late (intellectually, disregard Billy Joel’s more sexual innuendo) at Norte Dame High School. After surely reducing her dignity to nothing in Catholic school, Pelosi attended the academic powerhouse Trinity College (wow, she did pretty, pretty……pretty good considering her amazing political connections, right?). If not for this epic collegiate experience, Pelosi surely would not have met Pablo (Paul) Pelosi. The two wedded amidst the crowds of the Hippie Riots (actually I can’t back that up) and subsequently moved to Gay Land (I’ll put flowers in your hair in this city). From there it was 25 years of watching Opera, Martha, and the View (well it would have been if she lived in our age of cultural enlightenment). In other words, the P show was a desperate house wife for a quarter century (she did once bear a striking resemblance to Terri Hatcher). If there were ever qualifications for congressional representative, those would surely be it, wouldn’t you say? Only in America, land of the free…..home of the dumb.
Anyhow, ole’ Nancy hit it big politically in large part due to her husband’s brother, or in common speak: brother-in-law. This particular Pelosi just so happened to be a member of the San Francisco City Council and Nancy milked this connection as if it were the last utter on Earth. This disturbing imagery aside, N.P. was asked to run for U.S. Congress following a slew of deaths and illnesses that begged the question: Did the Congressional buildings have a polonium exchange with a young Vladimir Putin? I sure hope so. After a year of serving America’s finest (most liberal), Nancy was elected for a full term in the same year the bumbling Greek succumbed to a “Thousand Points of Light.” As a Congress woman who had already been elected once, well you know the rest……….let’s just say it was obvious she was going to be in power longer that the Fuhrer. In the House, P show served on both the un-intelligence and misappropriations committees. She even became the ranking Donkey on the former for two years.
In the same year the Crawford Cowboy embarked on his eight years of catastrophic decision making, Nancy was made House Minority Whip (probably would have been better off with an actual whip to beat those old Elephants). My sources tell me that Mrs. P was the first woman to ever reach that position. Sorry ladies, but if that’s your best shot, then I think there should be a permanent ban on estrogen in the Minority Whip’s office. Pelosi and the rest of the Free World voted for the Unborn Victims of Violence Act in 2K1. Additionally, Nance has repeatedly voted “ay” for federal funded baby extermination (abortion) facilities. Agriculturally speaking, Pelosi Dosi reverted to her Democratic ways; i.e. she can’t decide weather to support investment programs or not. No matter one’s party, one must at least admire her convictions and the passion in which she defends her position…..ha. Regarding Uncle Sam’s bloated budget, she has some really creative ideas. Nancy and her fellow Californian compatriots gathered the brain trust and decided to propose a tax increase for middle and upper class Americans. Bravo, I must commend you for your authentic ideas and better still, your economic ineptitude. I truly appreciate your Noam Chomsky-esque sympathy for the bottom 5% wage earners, really I do. Unfortunately, if you formulate policies for these 5% at the expense of everyone else, well that leaves 95% of Americans who are for lack of a better word, screwed. By voting against the Estate Tax repeatedly, she showed Americans that she had a thang for taxing the dead: come on Nance, they’re dead, what did they ever do to you besides spook you on Friday the 13th? P bombs barely had the good sense to veto the balanced budget act that came before the House under the rule of King William Jefferson.
Nancy P is clearly a civil liberties enthusiast, i.e. she gives people the right to annaly penetrate someone in a Radio Shack. All jokes aside, this broad supports the First Amendment like Michael Richards supports lynching: (that’s right I went there, and it was so, so worth it). What about separation of child molesting bishops (church) and George “Devil Incarnate” Bush (state) you might ask, well P show has you covered there as well. If it’s individuals who uphold the 14th Amendment that gets you off at night (better than a cheap Jenna J film for some), than Nancy is your gal. As for the Congresswomen’s take on education, she doesn’t believe in people being left behind, and gosh darn it, that means children. Maybe she didn’t initiate the massive increases in education expenditures, but she sure nurtured the beast first bred by GW the lesser. Regarding Mother Earth (what, dads aren’t equally apt at being environmental stewards?), Nancealicious has called for Uncle Sam to reduce his fossil fuel burning and dependence on foreign oil. Needless to say, she was one of the naysayers on drilling in the Anoit. Great foresight Nancy; now what exactly do we do until we develop a viable, long-term alternative energy infrastructure. Wait, instead of drilling in Alaska and killing some delicious caribou (they go well in a nice lingenberry sauce I must say), she suggests that we suck up to some Saudi emir and Vladimir the Terrible Part Deux. I think I’ll take my chances with Rudolph’s cousins in the Anoit.
From domestic debacles to grandiose foreign policy blunders; that my friends, sums up Nancy D’Alessandro Pelosi. Nowhere do her policies reek of idiocy quite like those pertaining to Continent Ground Zero. In no small surprise, Nancy has consistently supported the Hunger to Harvest bill and called for massive amounts of foreign aid to pour into Africa, once again proving the corollary that unqualified individuals in positions of power only hurt themselves…………..and Africans. As any international economics course will teach, (oh wait………Trinity College only offered basket weaving that semester), ungodly amounts of foreign aid only further stuff the already bloated coiffeurs of some of Africa’s most brutal regimes. They most certainly don’t know how to allocate this aid, especially seeing that America isn’t willing to actually invest human capital on the ground to see its implementation. Like any good liberal however, Nancy has proved quite skillful at throwing money at problems while at the same time not actually accomplishing anything (what can I say, she’s got game…….political game). More of Pelosi’s brilliant foresight was on display when she refused to give China normal trade relations with the U.S. following the Tiananmen. Boy, talk about missing the speedboat on that one; no worries Nancy, you were still new to the whole public service thing, we’ll forgive you. On the matter of our favorite Jewish state (actually, I do believe it is the only one), Nancy P has shown an unflappable commitment to defend our democratic compadres at any and all costs. Wow, talk about a nuanced view on the situation; you know, I’ve never heard that take before, well done. With such a thorough understanding of this historical conflict, Americans should be elated that she hasn’t proposed to engage the Palestinians in the least, right? Her view on the Israeli situation simply illuminates the fact that she has never taken a Middle Eastern history course, nor picked up a liberal rag in the past decade. Now I’m not saying we should dole out a-bombs to Palestine, Syria, and Iran, but the balance of power has to shift away from this police state of 10 million, doesn’t it? Demographically, it’s time to hop on board the one-way Arab express train to Paradise (minus the annihilated Israel, plus those voluptuous virgins).
Perhaps Pelosi’s stroke of brilliance can be seen in her policy toward the land of the Johnny Walker loving dictator (if you’re not up to date on which dictator enjoys which type of American scotch, I can confidently tell you its North Korea). No one who routinely masturbates to Japanese anime porn should have at his disposal an arsenal of nuclear-tipped warheads; it’s all in a U.N. resolution somewhere. Unrelated, wouldn’t it be groovy if GW sent Pelosi to represent us at the six party talks. Nancy and Kim Jung-Il would have about as much in common as Donald Rumsfeld and uptight assholes (oh snap, I meant the exact opposite). Anyway, I would pay to see that over any Paul Haggis movie you could put in front of me, that’s for damn sure (Crash be damned).
Just when you thought Nancy supported your constitutional rights, think again all you second amendment fans out there (cue loud groan: South and Midwest). If Nancy had it her way (thanks Burger King……..geez, shouldn’t you be reducing your artificial trans fat content in NYC or something), rednecks everywhere would have no way to resolve their disputes. Oh gosh, they might actually have to talk out their disputes. Heaven no; well this is simply not ok. Little does Nancy know that this single action would ruin the livelihoods of thousands of stand up comics. See Nancy, you need to see the big picture (with the help of an LCD TV from Taiwan perhaps). With respect to Medicare and Medicaid, P show has called for a substantial rise in benefits. That’s interesting, didn’t you want to lift the U.S. from its budget deficit…..that’s all. An ardent supporter of illegal Mexicans everywhere (mostly in Texas and California), she voted against the Secure Fence Act of 2006 because of fears that her Mexican brothers could scratch themselves while flooding illegally into the U.S. Who knew porous borders were so much fun, apparently Nancy did…..hmmmm. I guess this opinion goes hand in hand with Nancy’s ambitions to raise the minimum wage. With all the illegal immigration though, it doesn’t matter how high you bump the baseline. Sorry Nance, guess you will just have to answer to your poor constituents when they come complaining after they lose their jobs because of illegal Mexicans undercutting them in respect to wage. Pelosi officially joined the Hypocrites Unanonymous after she turned her back on being a Patriot in 2005 (I’m referring to the Act of course). No worries P show, I think you joined the rest of the Donkeys with that one.
And thus completes the long and winding road that brought Nancy Pelosi to the position of Speaker of the House. God help us. Oh wait, he can’t because he already has to watch over Curious George W. Damn it; now were really fucked. Seeing that if I write another word I am liable to projectile vomit on my ThinkPad, I best be wrapping this puppy up (in some Anoit oil drenched seal blubber preferably). Nancy, I strongly implore you to reconsider your life as a house wife, for then you can watch TeleMundo with your real constituents south of the Rio Grande and devise new strategies to bankrupt Uncle Sam.
